Tic-tac is sick of picking up the apartment
and ol' Bessie Boo has the white dribble
Saggy Mae has a case of flat wine coolers
and the creek ain't make no more ripples
It's Freaky Friday in this old chocolate town
money has never ever ever been tighter
Nobody can afford a new pair of pants these days
and we've been killing off the sons & daughters
Why you gotta' look at me so buggly eyed
Is it cuz your peas ain't worth a damn no mo'?
Rip pie diddly oh scrib scrab jib jab
Daddy stole mama's blanket, gave her a spank
(whistle solo)
Now daddy's spanking mama bad
like he ain't never spanked nothing before
and then he corrected me
about the time he spank a wild bore
The wild bore was shittin' everywhere
clowns were quitting their jobs
we didn't know what to do with the clowns then
so we killed them fuckers too.
Monday, February 04, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
HAVE A NICE DAY
So bad. He felt so bad about all the things he did in the name of Satan. He felt so bad about the Hitler jokes, most of which were really not funny at all. And some of the ethnic slurring was very regrettable. Although, years later, he would try to laugh off both once his earrings were taken out, his hair cut short & bleached blonde to look like one of God's favored angels.
Sitting alone in the cafeteria, he wondered about the television shows he could have been on if he had given up Satanism in the 1980s, not the late 1990s, if he had also been "more bad." Then he wondered if he had let Satanism down. Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough. For example, he had never attempted to start a club for the friends of Lucifer. He had never even met any other Satanists. He was surprised by the sadness & began wearing his pentagram & upside down cross earrings for a few hours each night.
Stuck between his allegiance to heaven as an agent of The Light & The Lord and that of Satan's dark messengers, he felt like an Earthling. Looking in the mirror, seeing his pale hair & perfect white suit, he thought he most resembled a fruity David Duke. He would leave this persona behind when he shaved his head, took to wearing robes & began passing out flowers at the airport.
"Have a nice day," he will call to you, over & over again.
Sitting alone in the cafeteria, he wondered about the television shows he could have been on if he had given up Satanism in the 1980s, not the late 1990s, if he had also been "more bad." Then he wondered if he had let Satanism down. Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough. For example, he had never attempted to start a club for the friends of Lucifer. He had never even met any other Satanists. He was surprised by the sadness & began wearing his pentagram & upside down cross earrings for a few hours each night.
Stuck between his allegiance to heaven as an agent of The Light & The Lord and that of Satan's dark messengers, he felt like an Earthling. Looking in the mirror, seeing his pale hair & perfect white suit, he thought he most resembled a fruity David Duke. He would leave this persona behind when he shaved his head, took to wearing robes & began passing out flowers at the airport.
"Have a nice day," he will call to you, over & over again.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
ON BANDITS
ON BANDITS
by C. Devereaux
A bandit's motivation can, in most cases, be attributed to a perceived lack of sexual attention from women. In an attempt to gain female approval, a male will seek to fit into a cultural norm, known as the "bad boy," or "bandit." Should said male have a single arm, he may move to Las Vegas, and start eating quarters. In the event that a homosexual male fails to find emotional fulfillment with a partner, he may also become a bandit, although like his one-armed equivalent, he will also move to Las Vegas and eat quarters, gaining him the colorful descriptor, "fruit bandit."
by C. Devereaux
A bandit's motivation can, in most cases, be attributed to a perceived lack of sexual attention from women. In an attempt to gain female approval, a male will seek to fit into a cultural norm, known as the "bad boy," or "bandit." Should said male have a single arm, he may move to Las Vegas, and start eating quarters. In the event that a homosexual male fails to find emotional fulfillment with a partner, he may also become a bandit, although like his one-armed equivalent, he will also move to Las Vegas and eat quarters, gaining him the colorful descriptor, "fruit bandit."
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
READING LIST
Soy Vey! Asian-Jewish Legal Cases & Cook Book
Hobo Coconuts & Other Poems by Tipper Gore
Believe It or Don't Do It (Believe It, That Is)
Why & How Rednecks Love Chinatown
You Will Not Believe These Forts
Stop Pokin' Me With That Bloody Needle: The New Ryan White Story
Baseball Is Hell (Or Is It?)
Clueless Ham
The 4AM Wake-Up Call & Other Business Man Horror Stories
Penis Break
Lumps of the Pilgrims
Merciful Rubber Suit
Outfit Recipes for Plum-Colored Dockers
Friendly Retiree With The Crooked Smile
Fatal Balloon Rides
Mysterious Chowder
The Science of Feelings: How Emotion Pour Out of Thing
Nuggets: When Chili Hardens
Mandy Patinkin & Other Famous NRA Resignation Letters
The Rarest Iron Lungs in the World! (note: this is a pamphlet)
Escape From the Rhubarb Patch
Australia: Style, Class & a Great Ascot
Give Me Freedom or Give Me a Brand New Powd'ry Wig
We Used to 'Tape' TV Shows
PJs at Work?!
27 Canadian Flavour Escapes
Monday, January 07, 2013
HOMETOWN AIDS
Laser painted carpet.
The Homeless Limousine Service.
Hair growing rifle.
Dr. Tawney's Limerick Device.
Corn strobe.
Dried underwear lumps.
Dream Cousin & Big Lips.
Shady gravy.
HATE OFFER
Last one.
Exhale
and split.
Drain
and dump.
Turn it over.
Let's hear it again.
Woof woof woof woof woof!
(burning sounds)
A little baby going
goo goo goo
(branch scraping glass window)
pipe clang
(dream sound)
Exhale
and split.
Drain
and dump.
Turn it over.
Let's hear it again.
Woof woof woof woof woof!
(burning sounds)
A little baby going
goo goo goo
(branch scraping glass window)
pipe clang
(dream sound)
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
DETROIT
Detroit rap clubs, soap thieves, ping pong monarchs, charred bassless klang, trap door kingpins, pig pen rabble-rousers, Chore Boy boxers. Black candle nighthawks, canoe cruisers & Motor City crushes, pitch black chariot races, decades-old waffle houses & teenage bartenders. Murder City stallions, against-better-judgement-walk-homes, tipped over flower pots & finding a diner, dynamite coney dogs & legendary HC. Macaroni spazzes & feelers feeling lucky, animal derby, Woodward Ave white light & ace bombers, truckers' friend, a street full of leaves. Corn dog chickenin's, Stubby Nubby's peace treaty, Tickle-Me Detroit Eagle's, cover charge & mustache wink, do you need a hand with that? Pickpocket lawyers, slim jim laws, Mexicantown deals, empty lanes, yellow & green grass, acid train stations, BBQ summit, Burk's Igloo. Cat wrestling & money on the kid, shit tacos & a nightmare walk-up, fish tank in the lounge, horse party, house stripper & backseat losers. Screaming is unnecessary, park on the steps, unmitigated gasps, hairy armor & a Sunday gumbo special, cheapest porn in town, sledged toilet.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
EARTHQUAKE FORECAST
It was Halloween on Planet Christmas but that's beside the point. Shana Hannah Rama Hammytammer, heiress to the Hitler Castle Co., was trying to think up a slogan that would catch on & become "a thing" -- something that would get printed on t-shirts in various languages across the world. Something like Keep Calm & Carry On, she thought, but not something so bullshitty. Her attitude was questionable & the truth is that she just wanted to feel accomplished. How else to do that than create something "viral." Perhaps this line of thinking bothers you. Do you think you feel this way because there's something wrong with her or something wrong with you? Well, it doesn't matter because she thought of a slogan: WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAIR?? Give it some time. Maybe it'll grow.
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