Monday, January 14, 2013


So bad. He felt so bad about all the things he did in the name of Satan. He felt so bad about the Hitler jokes, most of which were really not funny at all. And some of the ethnic slurring was very regrettable. Although, years later, he would try to laugh off both once his earrings were taken out, his hair cut short & bleached blonde to look like one of God's favored angels.

Sitting alone in the cafeteria, he wondered about the television shows he could have been on if he had given up Satanism in the 1980s, not the late 1990s, if he had also been "more bad." Then he wondered if he had let Satanism down. Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough. For example, he had never attempted to start a club for the friends of Lucifer. He had never even met any other Satanists. He was surprised by the sadness & began wearing his pentagram & upside down cross earrings for a few hours each night.

Stuck between his allegiance to heaven as an agent of The Light & The Lord and that of Satan's dark messengers, he felt like an Earthling. Looking in the mirror, seeing his pale hair & perfect white suit, he thought he most resembled a fruity David Duke. He would leave this persona behind when he shaved his head, took to wearing robes & began passing out flowers at the airport.

"Have a nice day," he will call to you, over & over again.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013


by C. Devereaux

A bandit's motivation can, in most cases, be attributed to a perceived lack of sexual attention from women. In an attempt to gain female approval, a male will seek to fit into a cultural norm, known as the "bad boy," or "bandit." Should said male have a single arm, he may move to Las Vegas, and start eating quarters. In the event that a homosexual male fails to find emotional fulfillment with a partner, he may also become a bandit, although like his one-armed equivalent, he will also move to Las Vegas and eat quarters, gaining him the colorful descriptor, "fruit bandit."

Tuesday, January 08, 2013


Soy Vey! Asian-Jewish Legal Cases & Cook Book
Hobo Coconuts & Other Poems by Tipper Gore
Believe It or Don't Do It (Believe It, That Is)
Why & How Rednecks Love Chinatown
You Will Not Believe These Forts

Stop Pokin' Me With That Bloody Needle: The New Ryan White Story
Baseball Is Hell (Or Is It?)
Clueless Ham
The 4AM Wake-Up Call & Other Business Man Horror Stories
Penis Break
Lumps of the Pilgrims
Merciful Rubber Suit
Outfit Recipes for Plum-Colored Dockers
Friendly Retiree With The Crooked Smile
Fatal Balloon Rides
Mysterious Chowder
The Science of Feelings: How Emotion Pour Out of Thing
Nuggets: When Chili Hardens
Mandy Patinkin & Other Famous NRA Resignation Letters
The Rarest Iron Lungs in the World! (note: this is a pamphlet)
Escape From the Rhubarb Patch
Australia: Style, Class & a Great Ascot
Give Me Freedom or Give Me a Brand New Powd'ry Wig
We Used to 'Tape' TV Shows
PJs at Work?!
27 Canadian Flavour Escapes

Monday, January 07, 2013


Laser painted carpet. The Homeless Limousine Service. Hair growing rifle. Dr. Tawney's Limerick Device. Corn strobe. Dried underwear lumps. Dream Cousin & Big Lips. Shady gravy.


Last one.

and split.

and dump.

Turn it over.

Let's hear it again.

Woof woof woof woof woof!

(burning sounds)

A little baby going
goo goo goo

(branch scraping glass window)

pipe clang

(dream sound)