Wednesday, August 10, 2011


In the middle of a party, they pulled the scarecrow into the doctor's office and set it aflame. "That'll teach him for scaring away the birds -- the birds that bring us doctors, nurses and orderlies a certain special something with their song," said the doctor.

The nurse piped up: "I love the songs the birds used to make. I'd awaken in my farm bed to the KAW KAW of the grackle."

"Yeah, this scarecrow is a real dicksucker," said the orderly. "I haaaaaate him!!" He took a plastic fork and stabbed the effigy in the guts. All of a sudden, the room filled with light from a car out front.

"Oh my god! Did we leave someone at the strip club?!" said the nurse.

The doctor began counting. "No, all three of us are here."

"I'm scared," said the orderly. "And that Long Island Iced Tea is doing a number on my spaghetti house."

"Shut the eff up," said the doctor.

"Why say 'eff'?," said the orderly. "Is THE MAN gonna' get you for using a few blue words!?"

But what these assholes didn't realize was that it wasn't THE MAN they had to worry about. In fact, it wasn't men at all. It was four women. And good lord, don't call them 'gals.'

Perhaps you've heard of 'moxy.' Well, these women bought up all the stock. These women OWN moxy.

Perhaps you've heard of lace gloves. Well, these women have nothing to do with those. In fact, they gathered up all the lace gloves in the western hemisphere and threw them into a vat of acid.

Perhaps you've heard of corn dogs. Well, I'm sick of talking about corn dogs.

What you really ought to know about all this -- what you should really hear about -- is this gang, these women... they're called Van Houten. And they're right fuckin' here.

Thursday, August 04, 2011


Well, I'll tell you what I DIDN'T feel:

I didn't feel chumpchanged by God
God didn't gyp me
I didn't been had by God
God didn't jew me out of every last nickel
I wasn't pantsed by God
God didn't laugh at my penis

It was a good morning!
I had a Dr. Pepper
and then a hot dog
from a friend!