Saturday, January 02, 2016

DREAM HOUSE REVIEWS

I guess I resented the fact that people were doing yoga there?
also the carpet was hella dingy -- i imagined it being a little slicker in therethat said, it was a truly awesome place -- i loved the shades and being able to BARELY see out to the outsideand then when i got outside, the change in the "outside world" was as striking as the change going into DH was.

- by Pete

It was really dark in there, with some simple light displays and Super Loud drone music. Oh, and a shrine to Pandit Pran Nath with a picture and candles and stuff. Nothing really weird happened. I was there by myself and just laid down on a pillow on the floor and tried to zone out for like a 1/2 hour maybe, but I never felt fully safe and able to sink deep into trance like I would've liked to, y'know? There were other people in there just lounging around doing the same and maybe a few couples making out and whatnot. Felt kind of like we were in some 60's Fluxus/Warholian time warp zone, I guess.

- by Justin



Friday, January 01, 2016

INTRODUCTION MESSAGE

ladies & giraffes, barnyard rubles,
rabies cinematheque & baby’s got a blouse on
groan control, are you there major bone?
we were all tits up for ball bag & as you can see: the third sex
x-ray kettle & free bird in Walgreens

i first met everything is canine at a knob in Detroit called cooter & boy did we have a pussyhair
an emotional cushion called enriched wheat & hello flower! -- how are ya?
pickles & fries, I give you holiday tootsie!!

who hated hot dogs in the night, president baby manger?
and I crawled a spider’s ass, half-ripe & tingling
you rolled the dice & fresh fish popped out, a consolation prize for Grand Funk

Saturday, May 10, 2014

THE CAT WITH PAPA'S EYES

Congratulations team, you baked a mess. This cake is awful for some time, no redeeming value. It is inedible, I am unhappy. My son, my son, what have ye done, gone waiting for me at the train station with beer in hand -- I twas not there, I never arrived, the bus never came, the train flew off the tracks, by the time you read this I will have been rubbed out. Tickets were too much. The flight was too long. This headache is dedicated to you & cannot be explained.

Where does all the teeth go? Do you need a wrestler? People are so mad at thing & one have to asks why? You saw TV & what it hads for dinner. I'll make certain your cracker factory never produces another tasty delicious xtra-crispee cracker ever again!

It felt so good to hold my cellphone that close to my heart.  Snickers is looking to hire a few good bad boys. Naked rappers clause in what contract. Never in a billion trillion jizzillion years did I imagine I'd be fighting with a small child over a bag of gin. The Virgin Mary: was she cool -or- did she drool? I'm just plain sick of getting tattoos of your mothers' names.

We can talk about what familiar means.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

XXX RAPS 4 $$$

Firstly, screwball & rape shed, black as night in a beaver treasure. Wilting caramel & mom's adam's apple, disappointed with Lucy, give me an onion to remember. Period sex first & foremost, little lightbulb's gone out in penis blanket. Toad fighting became illegal & hunks were finally releasing the book. A carriage of nickels, rotten in Connie's yard -- why'd you give me horn section of mariachi band when I asked for grapes! The circus is in bed, ripe as can be in the lost sack. Who knows whose nose was on the cover, President. Lips & tug of war, grampa's heart sack. What a bean to Rambo? Once I took a picture of a cake every day for a year & bored my friends to death.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

FAV QUOTES FROM TOP 10 sXe BANDS OF ALL TIME ARTICLE

10. xFilesx - I always list this as one of my favorite straight edge bands because I love the X-Files TV Show and the band just makes me think of X-Files. I don't know what label they are on or much about them.

9. RAMBO - I've never seen them, and I don't know a ton about them.

8. Prayer for Cleansing - I never got a chance to see them either.

7. Champion - I was going to go to one of their last shows but I wasn't able to make it up. I really regret not going now.

6. Have Heart - Have Heart is straight edge hardcore music for kids who are just being hardcore kids.

5. I Hate You - I've never seen them. Didn't really get into them until they were already done.

4. Good Clean Fun - I saw them one time and it was great.

3. Throwdown - I don't know what they are now if they are still straightedge or whatever, I'm not sure.

2. Refused - In there later years, they weren't really considered a straight edge band. But on the first couple of releases they definitely were. If you go to their older EP's they were a straight edge band. Their old logo had a huge X on it.

1. Minor Threat - Maybe not one of my top favorite straightedge bands.

Monday, February 04, 2013

NEW BLUES SONG

Tic-tac is sick of picking up the apartment
and ol' Bessie Boo has the white dribble
Saggy Mae has a case of flat wine coolers
and the creek ain't make no more ripples

It's Freaky Friday in this old chocolate town
money has never ever ever been tighter
Nobody can afford a new pair of pants these days
and we've been killing off the sons & daughters

Why you gotta' look at me so buggly eyed
Is it cuz your peas ain't worth a damn no mo'?
Rip pie diddly oh scrib scrab jib jab
Daddy stole mama's blanket, gave her a spank

(whistle solo)

Now daddy's spanking mama bad
like he ain't never spanked nothing before
and then he corrected me
about the time he spank a wild bore

The wild bore was shittin' everywhere
clowns were quitting their jobs
we didn't know what to do with the clowns then
so we killed them fuckers too.

Monday, January 14, 2013

HAVE A NICE DAY

So bad. He felt so bad about all the things he did in the name of Satan. He felt so bad about the Hitler jokes, most of which were really not funny at all. And some of the ethnic slurring was very regrettable. Although, years later, he would try to laugh off both once his earrings were taken out, his hair cut short & bleached blonde to look like one of God's favored angels.

Sitting alone in the cafeteria, he wondered about the television shows he could have been on if he had given up Satanism in the 1980s, not the late 1990s, if he had also been "more bad." Then he wondered if he had let Satanism down. Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough. For example, he had never attempted to start a club for the friends of Lucifer. He had never even met any other Satanists. He was surprised by the sadness & began wearing his pentagram & upside down cross earrings for a few hours each night.

Stuck between his allegiance to heaven as an agent of The Light & The Lord and that of Satan's dark messengers, he felt like an Earthling. Looking in the mirror, seeing his pale hair & perfect white suit, he thought he most resembled a fruity David Duke. He would leave this persona behind when he shaved his head, took to wearing robes & began passing out flowers at the airport.

"Have a nice day," he will call to you, over & over again.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

ON BANDITS

ON BANDITS
by C. Devereaux

A bandit's motivation can, in most cases, be attributed to a perceived lack of sexual attention from women. In an attempt to gain female approval, a male will seek to fit into a cultural norm, known as the "bad boy," or "bandit." Should said male have a single arm, he may move to Las Vegas, and start eating quarters. In the event that a homosexual male fails to find emotional fulfillment with a partner, he may also become a bandit, although like his one-armed equivalent, he will also move to Las Vegas and eat quarters, gaining him the colorful descriptor, "fruit bandit."

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

READING LIST


Soy Vey! Asian-Jewish Legal Cases & Cook Book
Hobo Coconuts & Other Poems by Tipper Gore
Believe It or Don't Do It (Believe It, That Is)
Why & How Rednecks Love Chinatown
You Will Not Believe These Forts

Stop Pokin' Me With That Bloody Needle: The New Ryan White Story
Baseball Is Hell (Or Is It?)
Clueless Ham
The 4AM Wake-Up Call & Other Business Man Horror Stories
Penis Break
Lumps of the Pilgrims
Merciful Rubber Suit
Outfit Recipes for Plum-Colored Dockers
Friendly Retiree With The Crooked Smile
Fatal Balloon Rides
Mysterious Chowder
The Science of Feelings: How Emotion Pour Out of Thing
Nuggets: When Chili Hardens
Mandy Patinkin & Other Famous NRA Resignation Letters
The Rarest Iron Lungs in the World! (note: this is a pamphlet)
Escape From the Rhubarb Patch
Australia: Style, Class & a Great Ascot
Give Me Freedom or Give Me a Brand New Powd'ry Wig
We Used to 'Tape' TV Shows
PJs at Work?!
27 Canadian Flavour Escapes