Monday, December 31, 2012

DETROIT

Detroit rap clubs, soap thieves, ping pong monarchs, charred bassless klang, trap door kingpins, pig pen rabble-rousers, Chore Boy boxers. Black candle nighthawks, canoe cruisers & Motor City crushes, pitch black chariot races, decades-old waffle houses & teenage bartenders. Murder City stallions, against-better-judgement-walk-homes, tipped over flower pots & finding a diner, dynamite coney dogs & legendary HC. Macaroni spazzes & feelers feeling lucky, animal derby, Woodward Ave white light & ace bombers, truckers' friend, a street full of leaves. Corn dog chickenin's, Stubby Nubby's peace treaty, Tickle-Me Detroit Eagle's, cover charge & mustache wink, do you need a hand with that? Pickpocket lawyers, slim jim laws, Mexicantown deals, empty lanes, yellow & green grass, acid train stations, BBQ summit, Burk's Igloo. Cat wrestling & money on the kid, shit tacos & a nightmare walk-up, fish tank in the lounge, horse party, house stripper & backseat losers. Screaming is unnecessary, park on the steps, unmitigated gasps, hairy armor & a Sunday gumbo special, cheapest porn in town, sledged toilet.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

RIP GOOD TIMES


EARTHQUAKE FORECAST

It was Halloween on Planet Christmas but that's beside the point. Shana Hannah Rama Hammytammer, heiress to the Hitler Castle Co., was trying to think up a slogan that would catch on & become "a thing" -- something that would get printed on t-shirts in various languages across the world. Something like Keep Calm & Carry On, she thought, but not something so bullshitty. Her attitude was questionable & the truth is that she just wanted to feel accomplished. How else to do that than create something "viral." Perhaps this line of thinking bothers you. Do you think you feel this way because there's something wrong with her or something wrong with you? Well, it doesn't matter because she thought of a slogan: WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAIR?? Give it some time. Maybe it'll grow.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

DVD REBUTTAL

An exclusive international sales agent for Buddys, which furnished completion money for the original production company. The production company went bankrupt & an affiliate purchased the negative, outtakes, the right to use the screenplay, and all related rights, from the Trustee in Bankruptcy. The movie has never been licensed for video by the copyright owner. It will all be straightened out by the Courts. ALL present video versions are unauthorized, of inferior technical quality, and not as complete as the original version.

DVD REVIEW

DON'T BUY THIS DVD.

The DVD is a ripoff.

I just watched this fave old horror movie of mine in its DVD incarnation.

Only if you can't get it elsewhere should you buy this DVD.

This is edited in several places, including these two key scenes: first of all, in the famous shower scene, Jill gets forced out of the shower when a "mysterious stranger" turns off the cold water. In my recorded-from-cable VHS version, an additional short scene shows Jill not only jump out, but grab a towel and flash a brief, but lovely, full frontal - and if you're familiar with the movie, you know that the actess playing the character Jill is especially gorgeous.

That's gone from the DVD. It shows the brief, unrevealing dash from the shower, then cut to Jill wearing a robe in the kitchen.

Monday, June 18, 2012

WORKING

Scabbyhead was a crybaby
crying over any god
damn thing.

Obsessed with numerology,
the ethnic waitress
claims she can help,
pointing at old coins.

The first time
we all felt
terrible but amazing
watching his wounds
open before us.

Remember
it's summer now
you don't have to be
so scared of everything.

Don't mind me
I'm just sipping
a tall cool one.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

THERE'S A PLACE FOR THIS WORLD IN EVERY BODY

NEW MUSIC
POURING OUT OF
THINGS
LIKE BUCKETS
AND
DOWN STAIRS
LIKE MAYBE YOU'D SEEN
IN YOUR FAVORITE MAGIC REALISM
MAGAZINE

QUEER BAIT'S EVEN SINGING A NEW TUNE
& IT SOUNDS GOOD!
IT SOUNDS LIKE A WILD PARTY
A SLEAZY QUEER BAIT TUNE
YOU MIGHT HEAR IT ON THE STREET
AND THINK
"I CAN HEAR THE TEARS OF THE BODY IN THIS ONE"
"I CAN HEAR THE EARTH'S SKIN IN THIS ONE"
"I CAN EVEN HEAR THE PRIVATE PARTS"

BOSCO WAS DOWN ON THE B-BALL COURT
BUT HE COULDN'T FIND ANYONE
THAT WANTED TO BUMP KNEES
HE WAS BUMMING HARD
WHERE WAS EVERY BODY?
SO HE TURNED ON THE RADIO
HE HEARD QUEER BAIT'S TUNE
QUEER BAIT WAS HUGE NOW
BOSCO HAD ALWAYS PICKED ON HIM

EVERYONE WAS LISTENING TO QUEERBAIT
THAT'S WHY NO ONE WAS PLAYING B-BALL
SO IT JUST GOES TO SHOW
STOP MAKING FUN OF OTHERS
OR ONE DAY YOU'LL HEAR THEM
ON THE RADIO
BEING SUCCESSFUL
WHILE YOU'RE A LOSER
THINKING ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS YOU DONE

Saturday, June 09, 2012

SCENE FROM 'INVASION OF PIRACY' (TRUNCATED)

"You like deliveries," said the boy, "and I like to deliver." The chaise lounge glowed like a fiery hearth, dark paisley droplets dancing over an ocean of red velvet. At the foot of the seat, a bowl of raisins lie in the clutch of a bronze facsimile of an eagle's claw.

"I'm not like one of those women in your videos, RaĂșl."

"Haha! One of those women! You're lucky no blacks are around to hear you say something like that. Tell me, Mona: what exactly do you mean by those women?"

Mona twirled a hair wrap entwined with thin strands of brightly colored yarn between her fingers. Her eyes narrowed, the smokey eyeshadow made her look like gorgeous peruvian raccoon. "You know what I mean," she said, voice quiet and husky with emotion.

"What -- that you won't pucker up to a cock poking through the middle of a pepperoni pie? From your first sugar-coated kiss, I knew your participation in my little films would be denied. But I got what I needed from this illicit dalliance. This little tape will send ripples through the biz that will become waves that will become big, typhoon-like waves and stuff."

"You're beastly."

"Yeah, Mona. I'm a real zany little tasmanian devil. A-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!!"

Friday, June 08, 2012

WOULDN'T IT BE SWELL

It would be so nice to have a body. Even if you're worried about big thighs or cellulite or a kind of pock mark or something, you can sit on a bench & bring your legs up to your chest, rest your elbows on your knees and smile at the moon if it's still out. This would be morning time, sitting on a bench with the sun on your face with the hanging, still moon above. On the bench, you don't really have anything to worry about except your sunglasses getting crushed on a table next to the bench by a tray or a big book if you have your eyes closed & you aren't paying attention.

And with cellulite, it's sad that you have so many people worried about that -- mainly women -- but you'll see a man walking a pair of matching dogs with some kind of sports outfit on but you can see he's got a gut under that top. You know that walking those dogs around the block is his exercise & he's going to go back to his fancy marina apartment and think, "Boy am I pooped after all that exercise," and he pours himself a whiskey & soda and sleeves away the sweat on his forehead. "It's 10AM and I feel fit as a fiddle," he thinks to himself.

Monday, April 16, 2012

OLIVE BAR FOR SINGLES

There's an olive bar for singles
where you can have the girl
of your dreams

guaranteed
twenty years younger
(or slightly less)

but like everybody
she still has her problems
which might be:

acne trouble
dog trouble
ex-boyfriend trouble

and while you came here
imagining escape,
trouble follows.

Thursday, February 02, 2012

CAN'T HEAR ABOUT FARM TOOLS W/O THINKING OF A POPULAR WEBSITE

"I get to hang out with so many cute girls I'm all like fuck what you think." Scummer wiped his nose, every bag that comes in here. Sniff sniff. Holding a photo of a magician holding an underwear, "Garments! The first one made how many holes?"

Ah, a cheerful spinning! 7-11 in the sky from heaven, no more Thanksgiving in the icy columns of Hades. "Cruel how money is, man." Cabin log in and caused a few fires. Bad, man. Watchin' tears fall on a sausage, wake up and smell the.

"Sweet drums, man." Haha fool -- not a man! Slashed to ribbons a leased car; wife trrrrrouble. Subdivision worries for further hesher moves. "I haven't had that kind of energy in years!" Fingers on chin, little teeth poke out upper lips agape snarl when cops have your back.

Snif'd at a sci fi book, "I had been living in New York but it seemed too much like a sci-fi book." A HISTORY OF BURNOUTS ON SATURN.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

TELEGRAM

ridiculous florist with reggae doo-rag / salami sandwich for the almighty has mustard & cheese issues / pomegranates stains on your beaver / tell the cat to watch out -- there's fruit behind it! / the pilgrim's barnyard, the pilgrim's barnyard riddle / hair falling down everywhere, a ditch fulla' hair / a beatnik's pants for sale on eBay / a saxophone full of candy, ice cream of the future, malted milk balls / _____ couldn't give me a raspberry on my belly after it grew a mustache / a teenage girl with big '80s bangs screaming at a car in flames

entranced by the ballbuster's perfume, I put on the skull mask / the washing machine's feelings when the widow finally passed on / hip-hop basslines finally committed suicide, kick drums threw a party with all the money they made / penis drawing opened a can of beer, laffed its fukkin ass awf / Casio scream beats Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the charts / MJ's backup singer with a bad grass habit had to be fired / who plays the Poetry Organ when the regular guy has the day off? / ch'p'd t'th / this is so fukkin 'welcome to the world of AIDS', it makes me sick / i hate jocks et al

Sunday, January 22, 2012

NEW PARTY ROLL CALL


CUZ REGULAR PARTIES ARE BORING:

PIE FIGHT PARTY
WATERMELON KICKING PARTY
FRUIT DOCUMENTARY SHOOT PARTY
GRASSY HILL SKATEBOARDING PARTY
J-CARD DESIGN PARTY
ONE-NIGHT-ONLY-SURF-BAND LIVE RECORDING PARTY
TAPE TWO OR THREE SHIRTS TOGETHER, CLIMB INSIDE & BUY SOME GROCERIES PARTY
FAKE SNUFF FILM w/ BOY TORTURE PARTY
SUNGLASSES PAINTING PARTY
GLUE A BUNCH OF BOOKS TOGETHER TO MAKE A TABLE & THEN HACK IT APART WITH AN AXE PARTY
RICH PERSON EFFIGY BEATING & BURNING PARTY
WIGS & NEW PERSONALITY + ALL LIES & NO TRUTHS PARTY
HORSE RACE w/ LIVE BETTING BUT IN COSTUMES PARTY DOWN AT THE TRACK
TURN A PRODUCT BOX INSIDE OUT, REDRAW & REPACKAGE THE THING PARTY
BLANKET MAZE PARTY
WHAT'S THAT ON THE FLOOR PARTY
BLINDFOLDED, SEATED w/ YOGURT PARTY

LIVE AT R.N.'S HOUSE

Once wormed deep enough into the high, he pitched a game show called Invisible Bodies: a vacant Hollywood Squares set & no one could be sure how to win but there were drug prizes. A long pause followed. "Everyone into the hot tub," he said. "We're going to play a different game -- not Invisible Bodies!"

As the guests piled in, he laughed in sick fits and beat the water around him with quick slaps. Standing with his half-erect penis floating above the small waves, he took something from a house servant near the pool. He revealed three dies in his pruned palm. Tossing them across the water, they had yet to meet the surface when he dove at Adele and forced his head between her legs. Classic Dick antics. How he loved his dice games.

Dick curled a soggy arm around my shoulders. "Let's catch up on our correspondence." Exiting the tub, he took a cigar from a tray and threw it into the suds. He spat at the servant: "Get that thing."

We walked through the grass and the pines to the driveway with his houseboy in tow. Once on the blacktop, the boy placed the handle of a machete into Dick's hand. "Shut off that funk music," he said. The servant left and Dick leaned down to roll a watermelon out from beneath a Rolls Royce.

Holding the blade to the surface of the melon, he turned to the sickle of light in the sky. "Someone put out that light." I was watching the moon when the blade hit the meat. I was still watching when the houseboy returned and Tricky Dick wiped the knife on the his shirt.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

HEARD OUTSIDE THE KLIK-KLAK CLUB

"The food was good, but the emcee was really talking up pussy juice."

"She had to pee so bad she was farting yellow."

"It's a great restaurant -- they even have a beatnik on hand with one of those hats."

"I kept popping boners in the cars & it was driving me nuts so I rubbed one off in the gas station bathroom which was tough because two dumbasses wouldn't shut the fuck up."