WHY I LEFT THE DINNER TABLE AT AUNT TERRI'S THANKSGIVING

Mom,

 you asked why I left the table unexpectedly at Aunt Terri's '05 Thanksgiving dinner. Since Terri is your sister -- and your honor was at stake -- I feel you deserve an explanation more than anyone else.

 To be honest, for the longest time I couldn't remember why I left to use the bathroom that Thursday (after all, you didn't bring it up for nearly two years). While walking your Jaclyn last January, I remembered: I was crying about going bald and shit myself.    As the walk ended, a poem came to me. It was dictated to Charles who graciously transcribed it for me:

Boo hoo hoo
Your coiffure is spoiled
So let's play Caligula
I'll bring the petrolatum

 You'll be happy to hear that the poem won a number of awards and made me rich. Terri and I have since made-up and even got together for flutes of mineral water.

 If you ever want to see me again, bring $1,000,000,000 to the old warehouse with the wishing well out front on October 30. You're going to have to wish the whole thing away for a chance encounter at the very least, you old asshole.


 Signed,

 Tod(d).