Saturday, January 26, 2008


Raven feathers and their feces, often referred to as "corn nuts," can be boiled into a dirty broth unsuitable for drinking.

Ravens will eat almost anything. I even saw a raven eat another raven. I can imagine a raven would eat the toes of a child, the filthy creature.

With a rapid staccato pecking, ravens can remove the eyeballs of a dog in a matter of moments. A moment can be almost any length of time but what is a moment to a raven? I imagine it must be very short, almost nothing.

About ten inches larger than a crow, ravens are an average of 27 inches in length, about the same size of some non-flying common house cats and a large knife my stepfather used to wield before my sisters and I at night during times both sober and drunk. Often referred to as the "lindbergh baby of the bird world" because they are so often kidnapped and held for ransom then found in the woods with bludgeoned skulls, ravens are coincidentally the same length as Charles A. Lindbergh III, son of famous aviator Charles A. Lindbergh II.

Often confused as the same bird, crows and ravens are in reality quite different. While growing up, crow's are often treated better, receiving decadent gifts from their parents like leather penny
loafers, and fur coats and flashy jackets as opposed to the denim jean vests ravens are often seen in.

Ravens can be seen all over the globe in areas like arctic islands and north african deserts. They can be found in England, Mexico, Turkey, and sometimes flying around the ceiling of Wal-mart. And one time in my friends house. He was frightened, called me over, and I brought my broom and a squirt gun filled with vinegar.

There are eight species of raven, including the Common raven, the Australian raven, the Forest raven, the Thick-billed raven, the White-necked raven, the VW raven, the Coney Dog raven, and the Sammy Davis Jr. raven named after the popular nightclub singer, Sammy Davis Jr, who was known to vigorously rub a raven wing against his scalp before gigs.

In his book entitled The Bad News Bears, Edgar Allen Poe made multiple references to a rapping raven that played at a club called The Chamber Door. Of course, this was a work of fiction and no such club existed.

Japanese emperors have exalted the raven as a creature of beauty and strength. Excerpted here for you, a 14th century Japanese prayer:
"Oh, raven.
You are so beautiful.
You have such pretty hair.
And your eyes your eyes are
pretty too. Very pretty. You are my pretty,
pretty girl and I want to kiss you all over."

Ravens have amazing eyesight for having only one good eye. Yes, it's true: all ravens are blind in one eye but have extra great hearing in one hear. They can see through almost anything surface or material except for lead, hence the nickname "The Superman of Birds." What a fun fact.

A typical raven weighs less than your average slice of pizza. This was evidenced when at least five, perhaps six ravens, fought over a slice of pizza I threw at them on an unnamed waterfront in the continental United States. It brought delite to my heart to see these creatures wrestle with and ultimately fail to carry away and consume the slice.

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