Sunday, May 23, 2010


 When I see someone reading the Satanic Bible, I just laugh. It's funny to me. I think: “What the fuck??”

 First of all, to be a satanist, one must deny themselves that real emotion of feeling like a "cheap thug." Imagine a clammy, unpleasant basement. On the floor, a whole lot of dirt, dirt going up the walls even, and what's that strange smell? Imagine wanting to be down there, but you are down there with someone who does not want to be down there, and you are wanting the least bit from that person. But this is a feeling being described, not an actual event.

 A satanist begins to take part in the enjoyment of that emotion, having fetishized it in effort to destroy that which innately tells us, "for we know when we are being little, and awful, and wrongful toward another Human." But to be a Satanist is ultimately to be a selfish, emotional bully. Imagine if you will, a kernel of peculiar, impotent rage in the heart of a hairless, 3ft. tall Hitler and you have a close approximation of a Satanist. Still, we must ask: but what is feeling little?

 The physical prowess of common Satanists is an oft-debated subject what with top notch  specimens such as Glenn Danzig but Satanists are gluttonous hedonists by nature and therefore not physical powerhouses at all. Chip snacks, cakes, Whatchamacallits, Mad Dog 20/20 and other sugary items are the food domain of Satanists.

 Perhaps now I should clarify that while aspects of hedonism are not "wrong" in regards to a creating a broad generalization of the hedonist movement, there must be a limit to hedonistic impulse. Hedonism can lead to extreme sexual deviance, drug abuse, home foreclosure, and shoplifting.

 When a celebrity is caught, arrested & persecuted by the law for shoplifting, do you not psychically witness the trail of hedonism that lay before this event like a trail of gasoline leading to a blazing inferno? Comedy writer George Carlin said something to the effect of, "every time I see a photo in a newspaper, I wonder which of these people has had deviant sex since it was taken." It makes you wonder, listener: What act did Owen Wilson commit that caused him to take upon a sharp blade in hand and make an attempt on his own life? It has been joked that perhaps it was one night at the museum too many but I digress:

 Many Satanists believe themselves to be clever, independent individuals but they are not. Even the Black Pope himself, Anton Szandor LaVey, the High Priest of the Church Of Satan was not clever enough to avoid being evicted from his home, the infamous Black House located in the hedonist paradise of San Francisco, CA. Now, much detritus litters the front yard of the former Satanic headquarters: mattresses, phonebooks, stray dog buns, abandoned toupees, the candy necklace of a raver, a leopard print beanbag chair, old viewmaster reels, a plastic watermelon, and an unused container of lemonade mixing powder among a number of items now relinquished and forgotten like so many children's toys.

 Like so many college freshmen purchasing their first Mos Def compact disc, so too do teenagers have a phase in which Satanism rules. Teenagers are attracted to Satanism like white on rice.

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