FUTILITARIANISM AND ITS CONSEQUENCES

 I'm a futilitarianist. After a series of serious skateboard wipe-outs and totally un-kosher scrape-'em-ups, I decided: fuck it all. But, I won $2000 in an online poker tournament and as a symbolic gesture, spent $1000 on a fireplace poker. If we could forgo the credit check to allow me residency in your lovely two-bedroom home w/ fireplace, I would be happy to pay the security deposit in cash."