MOONED PARTY & OTHER NOTES

All your BBQ bibs & diaper needs.
Introducing the world's first period diaper: for women only!
"Period diaper or not, I'm going to stay in. I've got titty-tangles."

Hooking up during a Joni Mitchell LP.
What do you call that mood?

The mustard stain on the letter jacket was visible in the lantern's light.
"His name is Cypress Hill;
can you guess where I was when he was conceived?"

What goes on in the monk frat??

SLOW JAMS MIX (FOR SNUGGLING WITH YOUR BEAU)

Terry Jacket - "My Sissy's Crackers"
Monna & Little Jeff - "And Her Hair Was Super-Colourful"
The Birdhawks - "No, But Will You Marry Me?"
Topher "Blue Mouth" Magillacutty - "Curled Dress"
Marnie - "(You Gave Me a) Cubic Zirconia"
Tyrone Petals - "She Had The Runs For Me"
Mary Mary Mary - "Your Husband, My Husband (2 R 1)"
Lil' Holiday - "I Cooked You Some Corn"
Peter Billings - "Risky Night Porter (I Heart You)"
Samson & Delia - "Bunned"
Charly Boy - "You Don't Know What Was In My Bed (A Snake)"
Suuna and Corna - "Sleep With Me in the Witch's Corner"

NEVER BEEN TO IOWA

The doctor called them wolf peppers and the staff loved how they tickled & scratched at the same time.  But this isn't about the doctor. This is about the UPS man.

Holding a wolf pepper, the UPS man dryly said, "You know what these remind me of...." The staff rolled their eyes. The UPS man took one home to his wife. His wife is really "The Stuff." They met at a fireman's ball while he was still a top swim coach. And married to the mayor.

Spying the UPS man talking to a former club princess, the mayor promised she would whittle him down to nothing if she caught him flirting again. He flirted. She whittled him down. He became a cop which is most certainly nothing.

He was able to work his way back up the social ladder in the next town over. The swim coach gig was kind of boring anyway. "Not as much 'tang as you might expect," he'd later say.

SCRIPT EXCERPT FROM "FANCY DATE"

INT. DAY - UNISEX SAUNA

Slow pan in as Laura sits next to Mayor Kahler-Ruck. Both have eyes closed w/ hands at their sides. A large cordless phone sits on a plank to the mayor's right. A small thud is heard as the sauna door barely opens & closes, Laura opens her eyes.

LAURA: Awwwwww shit!

MAYOR: (startles to attention & stands) What's the poop??

A hummingbird flies into the sauna, circling the ceiling wildly. Laura reaches into the back of the mayor's sauna diaper and removes a revolver. The mayor ducks & falls to the floor. With a single shot, Laura hits the bird causing it to fling from the sauna as another patron is entering and into the shampoo room garbage can.

MAYOR: Hot dammit!! Nice shooting, Laura. Wow, I got a real kick out of that! (reaching into a black gym bag) Here are they keys to the city!

The cordless phone begins ringing a dixieland jazz tune. On the other end is the mayor's bodyguard, Link "Celery" Stevens.

MAYOR: (turning to Laura & motioning at the phone) I got a billion dixieland ringtones on this thing!

LINK: [EXT. DAY] But what is up though!? I've picked up five dogs for you to choose from."

MAYOR: Gimme all five of those fuckers! (turning to Laura, placing his hand over the transmitter component of the phone, raising both eyebrows excitedly) They call it a 'Nixon!' (returning to Link) NOW WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING CIGARS!?!?!

ANDROID WENT CRACKERS, STARTED FUKKING SHIT UP FOR ERRR'BODY

women sit around
the rainbow cake

a skull eats

a tab of LSD

the season of pins

someone asked,
"why aren't you happy?"

AT THE HOLE WHERE

at the hole where

we set a book of magic on fire
we set a watermelon on fire

the braiding parties were insane
a teenager listening to "pretty vacant"
as seen in a photo

so you see

i've been doing some living too

all was well
until we found lice

and had to take the ad off craig's list

WASTED DANDY IN THE TIKI PARLOUR

a tortured hound

an eye in flames

the bucking wind

the illest game

a lame pink Jag

the dancer's sterling silver teeth

the mark of a fake pagan

a crippled laser

TRUTH OR HAIR: THE LOSER'S GUIDE TO BACKSTABBIN'S

hanging with the black
babes in lucifer's tent:

anything can be
a surf board

he says.

Hey

I'm from the state
ICP made famous

I know everything
is possible.

FROM THE ARCHIVES: PARTY BOY'S DEPOSITION

We always got real drugged out in Ted's basement -- one trip rolling into the next until we were living a sticky & slow wood paneled alternate universe. Ted's mother, once a skinny teenager pregnant with the baby of a touring Sam Kinison, didn't know what to think of Ted. At age 11, he poured beer onto the ground & sniffed at it for hours. At 13, he set shit on fire behind the shed to prepare "in case we go to war." At 15, he started wetting down the front of his hair into a greasy swirl with the condensation from a chilled wine cooler.

Often, we found ourselves rolling on the shag of the basement carpet, my fingers wrapped tight around his 17-year-old neck, his hands wrestling & slapping against my arms. He didn't make a sound as I kneed him in the nuts, slapped his face hard on the right & went upstairs.

It was wrong for a mother be excited by her own son & his best friend wrestling. She was watching Days of Our Lives when I walked in.

I'M PUTTING OUT A HIT ON YOU

"Sometimes some fucked up fate shit aligns and the planets are fucked in some beautiful way and that's how people meet and hang out, etc."

"You'd think for all the cool shit, people & drugs the Stones did, they'd have made way more really good music. But they only had that one album*."

"This is like the Wii of folk-y crust punk."


*Their Satanic Majesties Request

THE FUTURE or PERVERT'S DISPOSITION or THE COKE MINES OF FRANCE

1.
 "Good evening, gentlemen. Welcome to Man's Ruin. Please check your bad vibes with the clerk, have a drink, and don't forget to tip your server."

The doorman took our coats, leaving us in the anteroom with a man named Little Jelly. The club was warm, 80 or 90 degrees, befitting the red felt of the walls. We bowed to Little Jelly as he placed moodstones around our necks. Ezra, Peter, Micha & Ernesto's stones immediately turned deep green or a pale turquoise. As it often happens, mine turned deep red. Ernesto reached into his satchel and produced a blue gel to fit over the stone.

 "Jesus Christ, Franco -- cover your stone before someone sees you. You know, you'll be lucky if someone doesn't check it during the night anyway."

 The doorman returned and ran his fingertips across the edge of my lapel & pinched the fabric.

2.
 "Oh shit," she said, "her show is on." I looked to the ceiling tile I imagined her mother was just above. Marcia was down to just her bra and skirt when her the pounding began. She shut off the boombox, gathered up her clothes, and I'd have "Paul Revere" and "Brass Monkey" stuck in my head all day. "We should get out of here."

 My year was three articles of clothing away from being made.

3.
A $100 dollar bill peppered with cocaine arrived in the mail. The note: "I stood in the green-gray haze of the mold light & it was everywhere...!" It meant the harvest was good but we were over. When my boss heard, he tried to pimp me on any babe that came in. It was only when I burned the mood ring that I got off.

GHOSTS OF FOOD CAME BACK TO HAUNT YOU

1.
No, what I'm actually concerned with is the death of sincerity. Plus or minus plants. The efficiency of soul musicians. The cowbell's reminder.

A revisionist history had never been so beautiful. We, with coffee mugs in one hand & joints in the other, wondered just what evil was. The fangs of a deadly serpent spray apple juice. The mind was willing but the body couldn't stop thinking about some crazy shit it had read earlier.

They were all about the procurement of snacks but back at the apartment she watched him jerk off from the next couch cushion. It was not the strangest thing happening above a 7-11 that day. Sex with the professor is always out-of-the-body.

The forceful putting of the Mosrite string.
The easy buy of the drugged informer.

2.
The dog did not leap but instead fell under the table. It smelled like beer and it was certainly not going to be driving anywhere that night. The cats stood on their hind legs. "We must tell Rhonda about what happened tonight."  "Yes, but let them have their fun. They're already drunk & I'm hoping one of them takes their clothes off."  Someone puts on "Echoes" from Meddle.  "Forget it. Let's tell her now."

3.
The neck of the mask was soaking wet. He tapped it with two fingers. If it was blood, he couldn't tell. Why had he had picked red for the costume in the first place? He couldn't recall.

Turning to face the lake, he saw that everything had taken a soft blue hue. He was reminded of sitting on the beach with eyes closed, then opening them to see everything was a new, slightly blue version of the old everything. He kneeled, a sliver of pain in the gravel, then numbness.

The sensation of pins was fast & unreal, shooting through his limbs and dying out. The blue was darkening entirely past purple & turning black. Shadows took mass, obscuring the edge of his vision like the spiraled closing of a camera's shutter. Lying on his side, he folded his arms to keep the chill at bay, and said something as the waterfront became consumed with darkness.

Three bros skated by the body, laughing. The city planted a victory garden in the spot.

My sister unplugged the phone: "How about a moment of silence for a fallen hero?" Our father threw a shoe at her. "You pick some berries, you leave some behind!"

THE ARCANE GHETTO or SNOOZING & LOSING AT THE LATIN BATH

"Come now, this is a beautiful chair -- just as the Amish intended!"

HELL OF SUMMER

a shock of hair on the curb

of the 6900 block of Delmar

a grey flame

tanlines of copper

a corduroy knee

pressed into shag

wet with milk.

INTERVIEW: B. THOMAS HUNTER

Q: So, tell me a few basics about your new film. Apparently it's a sequel to an as-yet-unreleased film about models & modeling.

A: While it doesn't have a title yet, the film(s) are complete. Shot in 35mm black & white, it follows one of the models from the first film, Anna, as she makes the rounds in Europe.

Q: Tell me about Anna.

A: She is the child of a War Bride. Half-American/French, Half-Vietkong.

Q: This is unlike your other films, which were composed primarily of risqué youtube clips paired with peculiar music & found recordings to dichotomous -- and often humorous -- effect.

A: Yes, it's in a classic documentary style --

Q: Cinema vérité?

A: Yes, and concerns the racist underbelly of the modeling world. Have you seen Truth or Dare?

Q: Yes, of course!

A: Think Truth or Dare but with attractive people and not as much yelling or aging pop-stars attemping to rap.

SEE ALSO http://www.youtube.com/user/badmouthrising

A DAY OFF FROM GOING TO RAVES

He found the wolf's head

in the toilet

and began vomiting

a forest of black bile

blacker than oil.

The wizard turns his back

to the baseball diamond,

"There's nothing I can do here."

"All these manic-depressive kids

are great artists.

And they're in good company:

Orson Welles was bipolar.

Or... no, he wasn't.

I'm trying to think of

who I'm trying to think of."

NIGHT MUSIC

You enter the shallow ravine and he follows. Along the floor of the ravine, the leaves of small plants are visibly wet. Urine, you think, as it is not raining and you have to urinate. You realize you should be watching the floor of the ravine as he is barefoot. You see no glass but much garbage, mostly plastic, and much detritus.

You would sit for a moment but there is no stool or chair to speak of. Since you were last there, all objects serving as seats have been removed. He is not interested in sitting and would become anxious.

Looking back to the top of the shallow ravine, you spot the lithe, slender frame of a black cat as it moves through tall grass. You leave the ravine but there is no black cat.

Searching the surrounding brush, you come to the conclusion that what you saw was an illusion. You strain to remember the last time you saw one so perfect and you remember. It was years ago; the circumstances and illusion are completely different.

He follows you out of the ravine and you both sit. He is not anxious but you are unsettled and, for the duration of one minute, your stomach feels ill. The minute feels very long and you wait for the nausea to pass and it does.

You are back inside, still unsettled. He moves to the floor behind the couch and lies down, placing as much of his body as close to the wood as possible. It is cool, you think, the floor must be cooler than the room.

You put on some music and begin to write about the illusion but the mood is wrong. The records ends and now she is here.

BLEACHED FLAG: WHAT YOU & I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ROOM

Against the lime green wall of her bedroom he leaned, holding his gut which contained a bleeding hole that would not stop poisoning, smoke crept from his tongue:

shaving a few numbers off the board

like a hot knife cutting through a melon

"It's a favor to a friend

who got me out of a bad spot

before i got into a bad spot

again,"

he said.

"But the spot I'm in now

is my bad spot -

I own this.

No part of it is her's."

He paused, continued:

"With enough LSD,

you & your friends

will

eventually

become

psychic.

She tried to own that

too."

DELAY, LINGER & WAIT

No,
I am not talking
about efficiency,
the efficiency
of soul musicians.

Not
when there are gunmen
shaking their barrels,
beautiful mamas crying out
of second story windows.

Now
the B.O. counter
needs some manning
because deodorant
does not sell itself!

MP3 FOREST JUZIUK - Elementary Crapwater

DUMPING SPOT

She cried & cried

while carving the pumpkin,

like it was a basketball-sized onion. 

With cow tongue,

it was a very realistic Gene Simmons.

She put on her police uniform,

her real police uniform,

and drove

to the bagel shop

listening to old blues.

"Yeah,

this is pretty spooky.

All these guys are ghosts."

The bagel shop was covered

in T.P.

"Help us!

We can't get out!"

Yelled the employees.