TELEGRAM

ridiculous florist with reggae doo-rag / salami sandwich for the almighty has mustard & cheese issues / pomegranates stains on your beaver / tell the cat to watch out -- there's fruit behind it! / the pilgrim's barnyard, the pilgrim's barnyard riddle / hair falling down everywhere, a ditch fulla' hair / a beatnik's pants for sale on eBay / a saxophone full of candy, ice cream of the future, malted milk balls / _____ couldn't give me a raspberry on my belly after it grew a mustache / a teenage girl with big '80s bangs screaming at a car in flames

entranced by the ballbuster's perfume, I put on the skull mask / the washing machine's feelings when the widow finally passed on / hip-hop basslines finally committed suicide, kick drums threw a party with all the money they made / penis drawing opened a can of beer, laffed its fukkin ass awf / Casio scream beats Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the charts / MJ's backup singer with a bad grass habit had to be fired / who plays the Poetry Organ when the regular guy has the day off? / ch'p'd t'th / this is so fukkin 'welcome to the world of AIDS', it makes me sick / i hate jocks et al

NEW PARTY ROLL CALL

CUZ REGULAR PARTIES ARE BORING:

PIE FIGHT PARTY
WATERMELON KICKING PARTY
FRUIT DOCUMENTARY SHOOT PARTY
GRASSY HILL SKATEBOARDING PARTY
J-CARD DESIGN PARTY
ONE-NIGHT-ONLY-SURF-BAND LIVE RECORDING PARTY
TAPE TWO OR THREE SHIRTS TOGETHER, CLIMB INSIDE & BUY SOME GROCERIES PARTY
FAKE SNUFF FILM w/ BOY TORTURE PARTY
SUNGLASSES PAINTING PARTY
GLUE A BUNCH OF BOOKS TOGETHER TO MAKE A TABLE & THEN HACK IT APART WITH AN AXE PARTY
RICH PERSON EFFIGY BEATING & BURNING PARTY
WIGS & NEW PERSONALITY + ALL LIES & NO TRUTHS PARTY
HORSE RACE w/ LIVE BETTING BUT IN COSTUMES PARTY DOWN AT THE TRACK
TURN A PRODUCT BOX INSIDE OUT, REDRAW & REPACKAGE THE THING PARTY
BLANKET MAZE PARTY
WHAT'S THAT ON THE FLOOR PARTY
BLINDFOLDED, SEATED w/ YOGURT PARTY

LIVE AT R.N.'S HOUSE

Once wormed deep enough into the high, he pitched a game show called Invisible Bodies: a vacant Hollywood Squares set & no one could be sure how to win but there were drug prizes. A long pause followed. "Everyone into the hot tub," he said. "We're going to play a different game -- not Invisible Bodies!"

As the guests piled in, he laughed in sick fits and beat the water around him with quick slaps. Standing with his half-erect penis floating above the small waves, he took something from a house servant near the pool. He revealed three dies in his pruned palm. Tossing them across the water, they had yet to meet the surface when he dove at Adele and forced his head between her legs. Classic Dick antics. How he loved his dice games.

Dick curled a soggy arm around my shoulders. "Let's catch up on our correspondence." Exiting the tub, he took a cigar from a tray and threw it into the suds. He spat at the servant: "Get that thing."

We walked through the grass and the pines to the driveway with his houseboy in tow. Once on the blacktop, the boy placed the handle of a machete into Dick's hand. "Shut off that funk music," he said. The servant left and Dick leaned down to roll a watermelon out from beneath a Rolls Royce.

Holding the blade to the surface of the melon, he turned to the sickle of light in the sky. "Someone put out that light." I was watching the moon when the blade hit the meat. I was still watching when the houseboy returned and Tricky Dick wiped the knife on the his shirt.

HEARD OUTSIDE THE KLIK-KLAK CLUB

"The food was good, but the emcee was really talking up pussy juice."

"She had to pee so bad she was farting yellow."

"It's a great restaurant -- they even have a beatnik on hand with one of those hats."

"I kept popping boners in the cars & it was driving me nuts so I rubbed one off in the gas station bathroom which was tough because two dumbasses wouldn't shut the fuck up."

ON BICYCLE GANGS

ON BICYCLE GANGS
by Sam Haddix

"Basically it’s just fuckin' -- who was the dominant -- like who controls the social space in Ann Arbor? It’s like the entire premise of Critical Mass is based on 'taking back the street' which is fucking bullshit because -- I don’t want to necessarily boil down Critical Mass but, especially in Ann Arbor, the majority of bike culture enthusiatsts are generally those people that have a huge voice in the social sphere, right?

"So really what Critical Mass ends up being is just like a reassertion of, uh, that power -- of that stance. Of like, a bunch of white males breaking street laws & screaming at people, wearing denim vests and really just being as visible as they possibly can be & having a huge adrenaline rush. I mean, you could get sexual with it but, uh, that’s totally what it is. Is that not true? It’s just some white kids looking for reaffirmation for white kids that they’re the shit.

"Those who would participate in an event like Critical Mass are already, um, sort of like their identity represents something that's like antithetical to what it’s supposed to be like. It’s like the entire art world. Like everyone should be seeing the art... people are creating art that... museums are no place for art to be. Because it’s already a safe place. It’s already condoned. People go to museums or more importantly the art show -- which are hip as fuck these days -- who are the people that are likely to be walking by & want to get drunk for free. Like that entire crowd self-replicates itself. Like the art that’s supposed to be challenging peple -- it’s already in an environment that’s supposed to be safe. You’re going to that environment expecting to be challenged but you feel safe."

"Well maybe it requires a new envisioning of the art world. I’m sure what I’m talking about has already been done and acted upon & what not but at that point the audience becomes like the enemy. Because you’re not, because these people -- because the audience becomes the very people your art hates. The justice you’re trying to enact is to those who arent able to come to the show. If you’re reasonably intelligent, your art in whatever reduced political sense should be repsonding to all of the products of pseudo-liberal capitalist society. Like consumers -- pure consumers -- that don’t create. That are interested in life but look for it in these weird reproductions of like...

"It’s not whiteness, it’s power. It's those that occupy pirvilege -- and what is privelage? It's like a social power, right? There's a whole field of study that's emerging right now that supposedly tackles ideas like why are black people supposedly louder than white people? Because they feel they have to occupy a larger space because white people control it. And because white people don’t have to forge a space for themselves, what you end up happening are these narcisssitc negative rituals that are really the reverse of the things they attempt to act out. Where you have these white kids 'taking back the streets' when in fact they’re reasserting their own power space.

"I noticed that there are a bunch of black longboarders in town. I mean, what's that all about? I think the most important thing is that you’re pursuing, like, you're just like being honest with yourself."

THE FINE ART OF PROCRASTINATION

This is a poem about you, son
endless mirror images
taken on a fucking Macbook

You staring you down
in endless mirrors of annoyance
your dumb face

O, the terror of anger at friends
"the long road down"
and the hot time before it

History was a drag
a Hallowe'en mask
whipping on a string

When being too busy was
being busy and not being
annoyed by one another

VAN HOUTEN

In the middle of a party, they pulled the scarecrow into the doctor's office and set it aflame. "That'll teach him for scaring away the birds -- the birds that bring us doctors, nurses and orderlies a certain special something with their song," said the doctor.

The nurse piped up: "I love the songs the birds used to make. I'd awaken in my farm bed to the KAW KAW of the grackle."

"Yeah, this scarecrow is a real dicksucker," said the orderly. "I haaaaaate him!!" He took a plastic fork and stabbed the effigy in the guts. All of a sudden, the room filled with light from a car out front.

"Oh my god! Did we leave someone at the strip club?!" said the nurse.

The doctor began counting. "No, all three of us are here."

"I'm scared," said the orderly. "And that Long Island Iced Tea is doing a number on my spaghetti house."

"Shut the eff up," said the doctor.

"Why say 'eff'?," said the orderly. "Is THE MAN gonna' get you for using a few blue words!?"

But what these assholes didn't realize was that it wasn't THE MAN they had to worry about. In fact, it wasn't men at all. It was four women. And good lord, don't call them 'gals.'

Perhaps you've heard of 'moxy.' Well, these women bought up all the stock. These women OWN moxy.

Perhaps you've heard of lace gloves. Well, these women have nothing to do with those. In fact, they gathered up all the lace gloves in the western hemisphere and threw them into a vat of acid.

Perhaps you've heard of corn dogs. Well, I'm sick of talking about corn dogs.

What you really ought to know about all this -- what you should really hear about -- is this gang, these women... they're called Van Houten. And they're right fuckin' here.

I FELT (A POEM)

Well, I'll tell you what I DIDN'T feel:

I didn't feel chumpchanged by God
God didn't gyp me
I didn't been had by God
God didn't jew me out of every last nickel
I wasn't pantsed by God
God didn't laugh at my penis

It was a good morning!
I had a Dr. Pepper
and then a hot dog
from a friend!

HELLO WORLD!

GLOTARD, SLITWHISTLER, AND PICKLE-TITS

Perfukt Pup had a puking
license of which no
dangler could touch!

A hot item with a bracelet
of ribbons, tears,
beads of perspiration

A leper would wink and
its eyelid would fall
off

I heard a deep basement
scream from upstairs
I saw a whole slew of bare
feet of babes tramping
down a catwalk.

Deep creases of the face,
an animal shaved into
the back of your head.

The pin-up collection on
the front door and
the degenerate laughter

Peas in the shag, split
pleather chair and
you were wiping your eyes, little
baby

Sad, sad raccoon
eyes. The saddest I ever
saw, I think, just
for a second cuz I only
saw you for a second.