WALK, DON'T RUN/GOLDEN ROPES (2006)

most think The Ventures had one good trick but
things really started to change when

they grew facial hair and got all where the

wild things are on their album covers

your fever in my

head and the feeling was so

overwhelming that my stomach

began to turn

in dreams would help but

it didn't

it pushed me over the edge and 

onto the throne like

I'd been beaten up always

wanted to kick someone's

ass to blue bayou

NEW SKATE LAWS SONGS

"I'll See You In Court"

"Set a Plate For Elijah"

"You Stepped On My Brazil Nuts"

NOBODY'S READING

White bands of light or other colors slap across the city. Windshields blinded, cars stop and engines rev, the excitement sending pulses through flexed calf muscles. Eager to move into whatever color, whatever wall, whatever ahead, the desire to push down and cross into the new & strange, but not frightening. Not a warhead, not an army, neither a missive from a foreign terror, the lack of familiarity in witnessing this heatless blaze begets curiosity.

NAME GAME

Gas Pane

T Cell

C.N.I. Dogg

Triple K

P Stane

Clams Chowders

SELIB8

Wittle BB

Ice 2 Get 2 No U

Q-Cumbor

Shit Breath

ROOT BEER (2014)

 No scene can touch this dick! I shrink dix 4 cash. Call now! I love being a model. I would love it more if it wasn't for the sex tape. Missing you more. Do you look for a moment of 'clearness' during the day? The moment of 'softness'?

Are you consumed by dread? Do you appreciate the moments when the dread alleviates? Or do you think alleviation is unnecessary? Do people deserve pain? Were people meant to be happy? Are you catholic? It doesn't matter.

There is no extended bank of pleasure, is there? There might be. There is. Yes, there is. It seems elusive though, unreal, hard to put your finger on & keep it there. But you, with your crazy hair and big smile, can hold on.

THE CHOCOLATE TESTERS

 "Fellows, I am sure as that dog is dead that we have once again created chocolate!" - from the novel The Chocolate Testers by Wiz Newton.

BOOK LIST

1000 Frozen Peppers - Conrad Ishl

Corndog's Gone Bad & Other Nightmares - Reba Ogei

Cilices For Dummies - For Dummies Book Co.

Prison Crabs - Whitey Hank 

Do You Hear Clown Bells? - Lucy Chichester

Hats Off To The Poor Folks - Arnold Crimps

Sunday: Not a Real Day - Harrison Klams

The True Story of Howdy Doody & The Sun-Maid Raisin Heiress - Sybil Nightengale

Why Me Oh Lord Why Me Why Why Why - Leonard Harryhaus

Leonard Part 6: The Adaptation - Paul Weiland

SHERONA & GARGANT

"There was something in it," said Sherona.
"I don't think so," said Gargant.
"I can smell it on my fingers," said Sherona. "Smell my fingers!"
Her fingers wriggled under his nose for a moment before he swatted them away. Sherona reclined the passenger seat to a horizontal plank & drummed her fingertips on her stomach. Gargant's body language was all screwed up.
"I bet you think there was too," said Sherona.
"No bets," said Gargant. "My family has recently become very unlucky in gambling."
"Let me go inside," said Sherona.
"Please," said Gargant, "not again."
"You can stay in the car," said Sherona.
"That's not it," said Gargant.
"I implore you," said Sherona. "Unlock the door."
"But it's a children's hospital," said Gargant. "It's the middle of the night."
"But it's PCP, Gargant," said Sherona.
"You said it was angel dust," said Gargant.
"It's the same thing!" said Sherona.
"Does this young lady need help," said the hospital officer.
Sherona screamed.
"Um," said Gargant.
"I need a wheelchair!" said Sherona. "Stat!"
"What happened here," said the hospital officer.
"We . . ." said Gargant.
"Yes?" said the hospital officer.
"We . . ." said Gargant.
"Yes?" said Sherona.
"We bought a cigarette from one of the homeless," said Gargant. Sherona's eye widened and she mouthed 'ringworm' to Gargant.
"I think I have ringworm –" said Sherona.
"From the cigarette?" said the hospital officer.
"Affirmative!" said Sherona.
"Was this homeless person a man or a woman?" said the hospital officer.
"It was impossible to say," said Gargant.
"It's going to be difficult to track the perp without a gender," said the hospital officer. He looked to the girl.
"I would also like to see someone who specializes in children on PCP," said Sherona.
"That's funny," said the hospital officer. "My kid is inside, freaking out on PCP. He's as high as a Rocky Mountain maple – haha, he’s practically dripping sap."
"I'd like to meet him," said Sherona. "I'm in the market for a new boyfriend and your son sounds sweet."

HAVE HEART

"The heart was once thought of as a very soft nut," said Dr. Hermples.
"Oh wow," said Donovan.
"Yes," said the doctor. "For centuries, tribes the world over would remove the heart and wait months, sometimes years, for the organ to turn a perfectly kind of hard nutty consistency."
"Well, I certainly didn't know that," said Karen.
"Yes," said the doctor. "Now that we've done away with big stuff like the cancers, the AIDS, and the other stuff --"
"-- and mental retardation is at an all time low," said Karen.
"Yes," said the doctor.
"-- and syndromes have just kinda gone away on their own," said Donovan.
"Yes," said the doctor. "Since all that happened, the eyes of the world's greatest doctors turn to other stuff. Stuff that was important to people before the bad stuff came along."
"Before everything became a disease," said Karen.
"Before everything became an emotional affliction," said Donovan.
"Yes," said the doctor. "We did not truly understand the heart, the diseases, the afflictions – until the visitor came. And now we are free again to look back & look forward, pioneering through the worlds of popcorns, horsies, wooden dentures, the physics of rubber balls, nuts. This is the kind of work yours truly and other experts in the field can focus on today."
"Experts in the nut field?" said Karen.
"I have to LOL at 'nut field'," said Donovan.
"We were lucky when the visitor came, weren't we?" said Karen.
"Yes," said the doctor. "As predicted many hundreds of years ago, the citizens of the world did not know how to react to a visit from an alien lifeform when it appeared on Earth. But we weren't only ‘lucky’ that the visitor came – we were really very lucky."
"I wish I could speak to plants," said Donovan.
"Yes," said the doctor. "But without the visitor, we did not know that the plants had brains and feelings, could talk – could move like humans move. Because the plants were afraid of us. The plants were shocked into immobility."
"It’s amazing how long plants & humans have coexisted but never learned how to speak each other's language," said Karen.
"Yes," said the doctor. "Until the visitor."
"It's different than other cultures, isn't it?" said Donovan.
"Yes," said the doctor. "That's one thing humans are great at: figuring out languages that other humans have created."
"Why is that?" said Karen.
"Well," said the doctor. "Humans have hearts and the universal language is love."
"Plants don't have hearts?" said Donovan.
"No," said the doctor. "They don’t have hearts – but they love people and music – the biochemistry angle is super messed up when you think about it."

FAILURE FILM IN 3 PARTS ~ WHERE SHOULD WE START?

1.) We knew there was trouble once we saw the fish were stoned.
2.) He could tell how your butt was touched and when. He was psychic.
3.) We boogied and barfed all night long. Cora Lynn was smoking a huge stogie and wearing a Red Lobster bib.
4.) Standing in the loneliest produce aisle in Vancouver, Marnie started crying brown Kroger tears on the ripe honeydew.
5.) The mayor of Kickflip Bay christened the hill Fakie Mountain.
6.) Grandma began growing a beard after a month of drinking nothing but Heineken tallboys. We thought the moustache was a bit much but she refused to stop the hair experiment.

"If you like the cut of our jib, you'll love what was revealed to us in perpetuity!"