BABY NAMES

BABY NAMES
by B. Thomas Hunter

"Have you ever sleepwalked across state lines?" Moshe Rabbenu asked me in a hushed tone near the microfiche in the basement of our poorest High School. His cock pressed tight into denim: a rival, not a friend.

"If Eden was a time, and not a place, it would be those first days of Spring. That terrible season...." He trailed off, distracted by the glow of some neon light, a creature of El, yet un-melt-able.

Gershom and Eliezer had wandered in the desert. That damned wilderness. Why were they forsaken? He said He'd catch up to them but He was nowhere to be seen, and they had done all He had asked. Their foreskins, shriveled away, blackened by time. Brit milah, a covenant between Him and the tribe they had lost. They sweated and sang, and above all rested for everyday was their Sabbath. Their beards had grown long and complacent. Their brows furrowed. Their fields fallowed.

"He's never going to show," Gershom whispered.

"Did you know I once had a cock-ring made of solid gold? It turns out my Grandpa made it out of stolen Jews gold and the Shoah Foundation came and took it." You were wearing a striped shirt that made you look like a comical burglar. "America is the Black man's battleground!" you screamed at the top of your lungs. We were on a roof. A track team stopped and stared.

They couldn't afford a skywriter, so the note read: MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH!

ARTISTS RESPOND TO 2012 PT. 1: B. THOMAS HUNTER

Q: 2012. True or False?
A: Totally false. Totally false. So, why would 2012 -- it's so stupid, its like the stupidest ever. So, these Indians from South America I'm sure.... No way did this exist -- this is the stupidest thing ever. They didn't know about Europe? They didn't know it exists. It's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.

Q: Are you afraid of 2012?
A: Not at all. Being afraid of 2012 is like being afraid of a ghost that knows karate. Ain't gonna' hurt ya': it doesn't exist.

Q: Were you afraid of Y2K?
A: Oh yeah, I was scared shitless at Y2K. Oh god, the guy came on TV to use an ATM and I was so happy when it worked. I acted like it didn't phase me. It's a computer, it can do anything. I would love to read a Y2K book right now.

[This is part of an ongoing interview series. Full disclosure: I'm really looking forward to all the crazy 2012 parties bound to occur.]

MOONED PARTY & OTHER NOTES

All your BBQ bibs & diaper needs.
Introducing the world's first period diaper: for women only!
"Period diaper or not, I'm going to stay in. I've got titty-tangles."

Hooking up during a Joni Mitchell LP.
What do you call that mood?

The mustard stain on the letter jacket was visible in the lantern's light.
"His name is Cypress Hill;
can you guess where I was when he was conceived?"

What goes on in the monk frat??

NEW SONG LIST BY SKATE LAWS

30 Nickels
Neti Pot
The Day the Hippie Ripped Slime
Pickled Grapes
My Place Within the Avant-Garde
The Chocolate Sauce Was Delicious
Man, It Just Got Weird in Here
Farm in Moscow
Nerds, Turn Your Image Around

Hear more @ myspace.com/skatelaws

SLOW JAMS MIX (FOR SNUGGLING WITH YOUR BEAU)

Terry Jacket - "My Sissy's Crackers"
Monna & Little Jeff - "And Her Hair Was Super-Colourful"
The Birdhawks - "No, But Will You Marry Me?"
Topher "Blue Mouth" Magillacutty - "Curled Dress"
Marnie - "(You Gave Me a) Cubic Zirconia"
Tyrone Petals - "She Had The Runs For Me"
Mary Mary Mary - "Your Husband, My Husband (2 R 1)"
Lil' Holiday - "I Cooked You Some Corn"
Peter Billings - "Risky Night Porter (I Heart You)"
Samson & Delia - "Bunned"
Charly Boy - "You Don't Know What Was In My Bed (A Snake)"
Suuna and Corna - "Sleep With Me in the Witch's Corner"

THE SHOW OF VIOLENCE

THE SHOW OF VIOLENCE
by Frederic Wertham

The counsel showed me the record of a conversation he had with Irwin. It contained passages like this:

Q: Are you insane?
A: I'm not as crazy as the rest of the world.

Q: Was it against the law of God and man?
A: Those are exact opposites.

Q: Was it against the rules of society?
A: It was against the standards of this predatory group.

Q: You mean you set yourself up as the judge?
A: That night I was was the judge.

NEVER BEEN TO IOWA

The doctor called them wolf peppers and the staff loved how they tickled & scratched at the same time.  But this isn't about the doctor. This is about the UPS man.

Holding a wolf pepper, the UPS man dryly said, "You know what these remind me of...." The staff rolled their eyes. The UPS man took one home to his wife. His wife is really "The Stuff." They met at a fireman's ball while he was still a top swim coach. And married to the mayor.

Spying the UPS man talking to a former club princess, the mayor promised she would whittle him down to nothing if she caught him flirting again. He flirted. She whittled him down. He became a cop which is most certainly nothing.

He was able to work his way back up the social ladder in the next town over. The swim coach gig was kind of boring anyway. "Not as much 'tang as you might expect," he'd later say.

SCRIPT EXCERPT FROM "FANCY DATE"

INT. DAY - UNISEX SAUNA

Slow pan in as Laura sits next to Mayor Kahler-Ruck. Both have eyes closed w/ hands at their sides. A large cordless phone sits on a plank to the mayor's right. A small thud is heard as the sauna door barely opens & closes, Laura opens her eyes.

LAURA: Awwwwww shit!

MAYOR: (startles to attention & stands) What's the poop??

A hummingbird flies into the sauna, circling the ceiling wildly. Laura reaches into the back of the mayor's sauna diaper and removes a revolver. The mayor ducks & falls to the floor. With a single shot, Laura hits the bird causing it to fling from the sauna as another patron is entering and into the shampoo room garbage can.

MAYOR: Hot dammit!! Nice shooting, Laura. Wow, I got a real kick out of that! (reaching into a black gym bag) Here are they keys to the city!

The cordless phone begins ringing a dixieland jazz tune. On the other end is the mayor's bodyguard, Link "Celery" Stevens.

MAYOR: (turning to Laura & motioning at the phone) I got a billion dixieland ringtones on this thing!

LINK: [EXT. DAY] But what is up though!? I've picked up five dogs for you to choose from."

MAYOR: Gimme all five of those fuckers! (turning to Laura, placing his hand over the transmitter component of the phone, raising both eyebrows excitedly) They call it a 'Nixon!' (returning to Link) NOW WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING CIGARS!?!?!

ANDROID WENT CRACKERS, STARTED FUKKING SHIT UP FOR ERRR'BODY

women sit around
the rainbow cake

a skull eats

a tab of LSD

the season of pins

someone asked,
"why aren't you happy?"

AT THE HOLE WHERE

at the hole where

we set a book of magic on fire
we set a watermelon on fire

the braiding parties were insane
a teenager listening to "pretty vacant"
as seen in a photo

so you see

i've been doing some living too

all was well
until we found lice

and had to take the ad off craig's list