NEVER BEEN TO IOWA

The doctor called them wolf peppers and the staff loved how they tickled & scratched at the same time.  But this isn't about the doctor. This is about the UPS man.

Holding a wolf pepper, the UPS man dryly said, "You know what these remind me of...." The staff rolled their eyes. The UPS man took one home to his wife. His wife is really "The Stuff." They met at a fireman's ball while he was still a top swim coach. And married to the mayor.

Spying the UPS man talking to a former club princess, the mayor promised she would whittle him down to nothing if she caught him flirting again. He flirted. She whittled him down. He became a cop which is most certainly nothing.

He was able to work his way back up the social ladder in the next town over. The swim coach gig was kind of boring anyway. "Not as much 'tang as you might expect," he'd later say.

SCRIPT EXCERPT FROM "FANCY DATE"

INT. DAY - UNISEX SAUNA

Slow pan in as Laura sits next to Mayor Kahler-Ruck. Both have eyes closed w/ hands at their sides. A large cordless phone sits on a plank to the mayor's right. A small thud is heard as the sauna door barely opens & closes, Laura opens her eyes.

LAURA: Awwwwww shit!

MAYOR: (startles to attention & stands) What's the poop??

A hummingbird flies into the sauna, circling the ceiling wildly. Laura reaches into the back of the mayor's sauna diaper and removes a revolver. The mayor ducks & falls to the floor. With a single shot, Laura hits the bird causing it to fling from the sauna as another patron is entering and into the shampoo room garbage can.

MAYOR: Hot dammit!! Nice shooting, Laura. Wow, I got a real kick out of that! (reaching into a black gym bag) Here are they keys to the city!

The cordless phone begins ringing a dixieland jazz tune. On the other end is the mayor's bodyguard, Link "Celery" Stevens.

MAYOR: (turning to Laura & motioning at the phone) I got a billion dixieland ringtones on this thing!

LINK: [EXT. DAY] But what is up though!? I've picked up five dogs for you to choose from."

MAYOR: Gimme all five of those fuckers! (turning to Laura, placing his hand over the transmitter component of the phone, raising both eyebrows excitedly) They call it a 'Nixon!' (returning to Link) NOW WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING CIGARS!?!?!

ANDROID WENT CRACKERS, STARTED FUKKING SHIT UP FOR ERRR'BODY

women sit around
the rainbow cake

a skull eats

a tab of LSD

the season of pins

someone asked,
"why aren't you happy?"

AT THE HOLE WHERE

at the hole where

we set a book of magic on fire
we set a watermelon on fire

the braiding parties were insane
a teenager listening to "pretty vacant"
as seen in a photo

so you see

i've been doing some living too

all was well
until we found lice

and had to take the ad off craig's list

WASTED DANDY IN THE TIKI PARLOUR

a tortured hound

an eye in flames

the bucking wind

the illest game

a lame pink Jag

the dancer's sterling silver teeth

the mark of a fake pagan

a crippled laser

TRUTH OR HAIR: THE LOSER'S GUIDE TO BACKSTABBIN'S

hanging with the black
babes in lucifer's tent:

anything can be
a surf board

he says.

Hey

I'm from the state
ICP made famous

I know everything
is possible.

FROM THE ARCHIVES: PARTY BOY'S DEPOSITION

We always got real drugged out in Ted's basement -- one trip rolling into the next until we were living a sticky & slow wood paneled alternate universe. Ted's mother, once a skinny teenager pregnant with the baby of a touring Sam Kinison, didn't know what to think of Ted. At age 11, he poured beer onto the ground & sniffed at it for hours. At 13, he set shit on fire behind the shed to prepare "in case we go to war." At 15, he started wetting down the front of his hair into a greasy swirl with the condensation from a chilled wine cooler.

Often, we found ourselves rolling on the shag of the basement carpet, my fingers wrapped tight around his 17-year-old neck, his hands wrestling & slapping against my arms. He didn't make a sound as I kneed him in the nuts, slapped his face hard on the right & went upstairs.

It was wrong for a mother be excited by her own son & his best friend wrestling. She was watching Days of Our Lives when I walked in.

I ♥ LA

“I used to think the Imperial Valley was hot, flat and boring,” he explained. “But I crossed over here, stayed in a hotel and realized the place was full of secrets. You’d see a building that looked run-down and boarded up, but inside it was a place of coolness, darkness, life. That seemed like such a great metaphor for this place.”

UNTITLED

UNTITLED
by B. Thomas Hunter

Ronnie had just dropped acid for the last time. Tomorrow he would take a job at the bank and his life would officially be over. Sitting in the back seat of his car in the Major Magic's parking lot, he
contemplated his existence and what he had accomplished in his 28 years on the planet. This thought was brief as soon as his blue jeans, once tight and form fitting, turned into a soaring eagle and left his body.

His jeans grew and grew until they covered him in a shadow filled with the screech of goblins and beasts man had yet to discover. Soon they melted away into a sea of rainbows.

Ronnie began to fly. Once heavy with his strapping 145 pound body, his legs were now free. Free to fly into the heavens, where he would play chess with Zeus. His arms soon turned into flippers, as was to be expected, and the air turned into water.

Ronnie awoke from his trip, dripping in sweat, covered in his own urine, ready to take a nap. Tomorrow he would take a job at the bank.

EDWARD & ALEX

EDWARD & ALEX

by B. Thomas Hunter

Van Halen came through this Dust Bowl town like the cyclone that destroyed half of Houston. I never saw such a sight. Spandex and young girls for as far as the eye could see. The reverberation from their amplifiers destroyed the top soil and damaged most of the downtown. Of course we'll rebuild, but the question is: After all we've seen, why would we want to?