FAV QUOTES FROM TOP 10 sXe BANDS OF ALL TIME ARTICLE

10. xFilesx - I always list this as one of my favorite straight edge bands because I love the X-Files TV Show and the band just makes me think of X-Files. I don't know what label they are on or much about them.

9. RAMBO - I've never seen them, and I don't know a ton about them.

8. Prayer for Cleansing - I never got a chance to see them either.

7. Champion - I was going to go to one of their last shows but I wasn't able to make it up. I really regret not going now.

6. Have Heart - Have Heart is straight edge hardcore music for kids who are just being hardcore kids.

5. I Hate You - I've never seen them. Didn't really get into them until they were already done.

4. Good Clean Fun - I saw them one time and it was great.

3. Throwdown - I don't know what they are now if they are still straightedge or whatever, I'm not sure.

2. Refused - In there later years, they weren't really considered a straight edge band. But on the first couple of releases they definitely were. If you go to their older EP's they were a straight edge band. Their old logo had a huge X on it.

1. Minor Threat - Maybe not one of my top favorite straightedge bands.

NEW BLUES SONG

Tic-tac is sick of picking up the apartment
and ol' Bessie Boo has the white dribble
Saggy Mae has a case of flat wine coolers
and the creek ain't make no more ripples

It's Freaky Friday in this old chocolate town
money has never ever ever been tighter
Nobody can afford a new pair of pants these days
and we've been killing off the sons & daughters

Why you gotta' look at me so buggly eyed
Is it cuz your peas ain't worth a damn no mo'?
Rip pie diddly oh scrib scrab jib jab
Daddy stole mama's blanket, gave her a spank

(whistle solo)

Now daddy's spanking mama bad
like he ain't never spanked nothing before
and then he corrected me
about the time he spank a wild bore

The wild bore was shittin' everywhere
clowns were quitting their jobs
we didn't know what to do with the clowns then
so we killed them fuckers too.

HAVE A NICE DAY

So bad. He felt so bad about all the things he did in the name of Satan. He felt so bad about the Hitler jokes, most of which were really not funny at all. And some of the ethnic slurring was very regrettable. Although, years later, he would try to laugh off both once his earrings were taken out, his hair cut short & bleached blonde to look like one of God's favored angels.

Sitting alone in the cafeteria, he wondered about the television shows he could have been on if he had given up Satanism in the 1980s, not the late 1990s, if he had also been "more bad." Then he wondered if he had let Satanism down. Maybe he hadn't tried hard enough. For example, he had never attempted to start a club for the friends of Lucifer. He had never even met any other Satanists. He was surprised by the sadness & began wearing his pentagram & upside down cross earrings for a few hours each night.

Stuck between his allegiance to heaven as an agent of The Light & The Lord and that of Satan's dark messengers, he felt like an Earthling. Looking in the mirror, seeing his pale hair & perfect white suit, he thought he most resembled a fruity David Duke. He would leave this persona behind when he shaved his head, took to wearing robes & began passing out flowers at the airport.

"Have a nice day," he will call to you, over & over again.

ON BANDITS

ON BANDITS
by C. Devereaux

A bandit's motivation can, in most cases, be attributed to a perceived lack of sexual attention from women. In an attempt to gain female approval, a male will seek to fit into a cultural norm, known as the "bad boy," or "bandit." Should said male have a single arm, he may move to Las Vegas, and start eating quarters. In the event that a homosexual male fails to find emotional fulfillment with a partner, he may also become a bandit, although like his one-armed equivalent, he will also move to Las Vegas and eat quarters, gaining him the colorful descriptor, "fruit bandit."

READING LIST

Soy Vey! Asian-Jewish Legal Cases & Cook Book
Hobo Coconuts & Other Poems by Tipper Gore
Believe It or Don't Do It (Believe It, That Is)
Why & How Rednecks Love Chinatown
You Will Not Believe These Forts

Stop Pokin' Me With That Bloody Needle: The New Ryan White Story
Baseball Is Hell (Or Is It?)
Clueless Ham
The 4AM Wake-Up Call & Other Business Man Horror Stories
Penis Break
Lumps of the Pilgrims
Merciful Rubber Suit
Outfit Recipes for Plum-Colored Dockers
Friendly Retiree With The Crooked Smile
Fatal Balloon Rides
Mysterious Chowder
The Science of Feelings: How Emotion Pour Out of Thing
Nuggets: When Chili Hardens
Mandy Patinkin & Other Famous NRA Resignation Letters
The Rarest Iron Lungs in the World! (note: this is a pamphlet)
Escape From the Rhubarb Patch
Australia: Style, Class & a Great Ascot
Give Me Freedom or Give Me a Brand New Powd'ry Wig
We Used to 'Tape' TV Shows
PJs at Work?!
27 Canadian Flavour Escapes

HOMETOWN AIDS

Laser painted carpet. The Homeless Limousine Service. Hair growing rifle. Dr. Tawney's Limerick Device. Corn strobe. Dried underwear lumps. Dream Cousin & Big Lips. Shady gravy.

HATE OFFER

Last one.

Exhale
and split.

Drain
and dump.

Turn it over.

Let's hear it again.

Woof woof woof woof woof!

(burning sounds)

A little baby going
goo goo goo

(branch scraping glass window)

pipe clang

(dream sound)

NEW PORNO MAG TAKING THE WORLD BY STORM

It's called White House.