VAN HOUTEN

In the middle of a party, they pulled the scarecrow into the doctor's office and set it aflame. "That'll teach him for scaring away the birds -- the birds that bring us doctors, nurses and orderlies a certain special something with their song," said the doctor.

The nurse piped up: "I love the songs the birds used to make. I'd awaken in my farm bed to the KAW KAW of the grackle."

"Yeah, this scarecrow is a real dicksucker," said the orderly. "I haaaaaate him!!" He took a plastic fork and stabbed the effigy in the guts. All of a sudden, the room filled with light from a car out front.

"Oh my god! Did we leave someone at the strip club?!" said the nurse.

The doctor began counting. "No, all three of us are here."

"I'm scared," said the orderly. "And that Long Island Iced Tea is doing a number on my spaghetti house."

"Shut the eff up," said the doctor.

"Why say 'eff'?," said the orderly. "Is THE MAN gonna' get you for using a few blue words!?"

But what these assholes didn't realize was that it wasn't THE MAN they had to worry about. In fact, it wasn't men at all. It was four women. And good lord, don't call them 'gals.'

Perhaps you've heard of 'moxy.' Well, these women bought up all the stock. These women OWN moxy.

Perhaps you've heard of lace gloves. Well, these women have nothing to do with those. In fact, they gathered up all the lace gloves in the western hemisphere and threw them into a vat of acid.

Perhaps you've heard of corn dogs. Well, I'm sick of talking about corn dogs.

What you really ought to know about all this -- what you should really hear about -- is this gang, these women... they're called Van Houten. And they're right fuckin' here.

I FELT (A POEM)

Well, I'll tell you what I DIDN'T feel:

I didn't feel chumpchanged by God
God didn't gyp me
I didn't been had by God
God didn't jew me out of every last nickel
I wasn't pantsed by God
God didn't laugh at my penis

It was a good morning!
I had a Dr. Pepper
and then a hot dog
from a friend!

HELLO WORLD!

GLOTARD, SLITWHISTLER, AND PICKLE-TITS

Perfukt Pup had a puking
license of which no
dangler could touch!

A hot item with a bracelet
of ribbons, tears,
beads of perspiration

A leper would wink and
its eyelid would fall
off

I heard a deep basement
scream from upstairs
I saw a whole slew of bare
feet of babes tramping
down a catwalk.

Deep creases of the face,
an animal shaved into
the back of your head.

The pin-up collection on
the front door and
the degenerate laughter

Peas in the shag, split
pleather chair and
you were wiping your eyes, little
baby

Sad, sad raccoon
eyes. The saddest I ever
saw, I think, just
for a second cuz I only
saw you for a second.

MANHATTAN MANNEQUIN MAKEOUT MEETING

I came in the room and said, the whole gang is here! There are large windows with heavy cloth drapes. It reminded me of a funeral home but not in a morbid way. We were just smoking cigarettes in here. My man was wearing a turnip on his lapel. I said, what's that mean? He glared at me like a crook. He raised his hand, rubbing his index finger and thumb. If it had been his index finger AND his middle finger and thumb I would have thought one thing: MONEY. But I didn't know what this meant.

I've got a little mosquito, he said. Right here, he said. Do you know about The Bull and The Mosquito?

PRIVATE WOOD or HAHA b/w SWEET SCOOP THAT

God dammit. I'm turning a distinct/peculiar shade of red with anger over a certain British band with floppy, dark, "mop-like" hair for driving their little clown car up to the music bus and kicking out all the good stuff: Satanic R&B and cheesy, anachronistic instrumental cuts with needly, wet-sounding guitar and sleazy basement musics. It doesn't take a psychologist to come down and break a bottle on the side of a ship to crown this a complete & total bummer.

At the time, it was as if everybody turned into a gaggle of weepy virgins instead of some kinda' creep that hangs out in a bar (re: basement) and says weird, vaguely veiled things to teenage girls. Ehh... maybe that's not such a great vibe. It was as if someone had replaced gin & coffee (together -- it's called a "Ray Charles") with a hot chocolate machine (::frowny face::). What's good about that? I'll tell you what: nothing!

LAFFS + DANGER!!

 Skate Laws & Blood Club - The Wig's Edge (Boogie Outtake) by Skate Laws

OUT NOW: OLD JAMMERS

OUT NOW ON FM DUST:

SKATE LAWS - U.S. Post-Disco
C-25 cassette (edition of 48)
$6 US////$9 INTERNATIONAL
"The first released document of dude’s one-man skatecore assault, featuring classix like 'Asylumed By My Parents' and 'Clawing At Spiders.' Obvious reference points include early Flag, VOID, and maybe the first Suicidal Tendencies record, among any number of other suburban teenage mooks. Each package comes with a piece of grip tape, so get this thing now and try not to bust it when you’re listening to yr walkman on the half-pipe."

SKATE LAWS: DICK MOVES

HEY JACK

If you want to get in
on a good racket,
start wearing a helmet
at places like Meijer.

They make you take a little
wheelchair/Amigo thing
and you can steal
all kinds of shit.

The Amigo is sweet.

If you get a key
you're set for life.

Any K-Mart anywhere
in the world
is yours to drive
around the parking lot in.

Let's Amigo,
Amigo!

They will bust you
when they see you
with an Amigo
so tie that key
to a string
around your wrist.

My brother tried
to look dopey
and it seemed to work.

Never got caught.